November 2008
7 posts
“My songs prove I’ll be a great dad.”
– John Mayer
“Here’s a rumor: Everyone in McCain’s campaign staff is gay.”
– Sarah Palin
“Anyone else get blitzed last night? Oh man. The Founding Fathers had some...”
– Barack Obama
“I haven’t demonstrated good judgment other places too … Two salads...”
– McCain on voting for Obama.
“The Jack Bauer guide to controlling your anger at the polls.”
– Keifer Sutherland
“Malt Liquor and Pot—Vote Suppression Tools for a New Age.”
– John McCain
“But then I had a brilliant idea. I picked up the phone called up dear, sweet,...”
– Barry Diller
October 2008
15 posts
“I was planning on re-gifting these kickbacks to orphans.”
– Ted Stevens
“Arizona if you don’t vote for me, just watch what happens”
– John McCain
“Seeking: Experienced writer for fun new book project”
– Osama Bin Laden
“My ghostwriter must be a man of Middle Eastern background who possesses ability...”
– Osama bin Laden
“Is it possible to abort a 44-year-old woman?”
– John McCain
“I want to be the Joker for Halloween too!”
– Christian Bale
“That Trader Joe’s warehouse fire was no accident.”
– Osama Bin Laden
“You want to help me out? Don’t pour your grease down the god damn drain.”
– Joe the Plumber
“I can’t side with turncoat Republicans. So fuck it. I’m now Barr all the way....”
– Samuel L. Jackson
“Do you know how many times I had to turn down Dancing With the Stars?...”
– Ringo Starr
“So what if my nose falls off? I still have my mouth!”
– Amy Winehouse
“If I do win, my first kiss is going to be with an old chocolate maker in...”
– Barack Obama
“I thought Barack Obama was a rookie wide receiver for the Chicago Bears. Turns...”
– Peyton Manning
“I’m using daylight savings time to reset the national debt clock.”
– Henry Paulson
“So, I am off to my fallout shelter deep in the Berkshire mountains. Yeah, I got...”
– Jim Cramer
September 2008
9 posts
“At least we saved Goldman Sachs.”
– Hank Paulson
“The Super Collider did cause huge blackhole… on Wall Street.”
– Jim Cramer
“Perhaps if you’d broadcast the news in a level-headed, non-partisan way...”
– O’Reilly on Olbermann ousting.
“Like real estate, foreign policy experience is about location, location,...”
– John McCain
“No fair, I’m the change candidate!”
– Barack Obama
“I feel empty. I sort of feel like I’m having morning sex with Ash, but...”
– Peyton Manning on Brady’s injury
“Also hockey moms are usually less rabid than pit bulls.”
– Sarah Palin
“Another conspiracy theory: Pinkberry and Red Mango are the same company!”
– Vladimir Putin
“Plan your monthly cycles around my tour schedule. I know, this sounds mean, and...”
– John Mayer
August 2008
25 posts
“Why am I bailing on Barack’s speech? Let me spin my role-an-excuse wheel.”
– Bill Clinton
“Biden is not the next Dick Cheney, but I’ll tell who is: Dick Cheney v2. Of all...”
– Dick Cheney
“John McCain’s military service is pretty gay when you think about it.”
– Joe Biden
“This just goes to show I do my best thinking when having sex … or should I...”
– Jessica Simpson
“I don’t really believe it is wise to set arbitrary time tables on troop...”
– Vladimir Putin
“Alicia Sacramone, been watchin’ ya bend that body like macaroni”
– Justin Timberlake’s Olympic rap
“You know I’m too crafty to get caught. As sasquatches, it’s sort of...”
– Bigfoot
“Medvedev just found out about the war a short while ago. I didn’t want to...”
– Vladimir Putin
“The thing about retarded people is that you really don’t need to make fun of...”
– Britney Spears
“Yao Ming is eating paella. What an amalgam of mismatched seafood! Did you guys...”
– Hu Jintao
“Jennifer Aniston, you will always be the celebrity starlet that got away.”
– John Mayer
“You must excuse my imprecise diction, only a few weeks ago was I permitted to...”
– Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin
“Isaac and Bernie: RIP, Motherfuckers”
– Samuel L. Jackson
“I’m completely out of sports cliches.”
– Michael Phelps
“All that I ask is that Georgia surrender unconditionally, declare me the ruler...”
– Vladimir Putin
“I know that’s inconsistent with what I just said, but I get to do that...”
– John Edwards
“Don’t believe the media’s lies, we aren’t hosting any...”
– Hu Jintao
“Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time?”
– David Hasselhoff