Misquoter

"My songs prove I’ll be a great dad."

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 13:05:21 -0500

“My songs prove I’ll be a great dad.”

- John Mayer

"Here’s a rumor: Everyone in McCain’s campaign staff is gay."

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:53:48 -0500

“Here’s a rumor: Everyone in McCain’s campaign staff is gay.”

- Sarah Palin

"Anyone else get blitzed last night? Oh man. The Founding Fathers had some serious foresight when..."

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:54:58 -0500

“Anyone else get blitzed last night? Oh man. The Founding Fathers had some serious foresight when they created the lame duck period between election day and inauguration. I’m not sure I’ll be recover from this headache until January 20th”

- Barack Obama

"I haven’t demonstrated good judgment other places too … Two salads in one day? Is that..."

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:28:07 -0500

“I haven’t demonstrated good judgment other places too … Two salads in one day? Is that Presidential material. I hesitate to think so.”

- McCain on voting for Obama.

"The Jack Bauer guide to controlling your anger at the polls."

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:26:09 -0500

“The Jack Bauer guide to controlling your anger at the polls.”

- Keifer Sutherland

"Malt Liquor and Pot—Vote Suppression Tools for a New Age."

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:34:06 -0500

“Malt Liquor and Pot—Vote Suppression Tools for a New Age.”

- John McCain

"But then I had a brilliant idea. I picked up the phone called up dear, sweet, nubile Ricky Van Veen..."

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:20:34 -0500

“But then I had a brilliant idea. I picked up the phone called up dear, sweet, nubile Ricky Van Veen and asked him to commission some of his CollegeHumor boys to write me a quarterly earnings rundown! He had a speech for me — bless his tender young heart — within three days! Recession be damned, this is going to be a real zinger.”

- Barry Diller

"I was planning on re-gifting these kickbacks to orphans."

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 11:40:26 -0400

“I was planning on re-gifting these kickbacks to orphans.”

- Ted Stevens

"Arizona if you don’t vote for me, just watch what happens"

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:19:46 -0400

“Arizona if you don’t vote for me, just watch what happens”

- John McCain

"Seeking: Experienced writer for fun new book project"

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:18:33 -0400

“Seeking: Experienced writer for fun new book project”

- Osama Bin Laden

"My ghostwriter must be a man of Middle Eastern background who possesses ability to write in prose..."

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 08:46:51 -0400

“My ghostwriter must be a man of Middle Eastern background who possesses ability to write in prose that is lively, fun, and entertaining; think David Sedaris, minus the homosexual, white infidel stuff.”

- Osama bin Laden

"Is it possible to abort a 44-year-old woman?"

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:07:45 -0400

“Is it possible to abort a 44-year-old woman?”

- John McCain

"I want to be the Joker for Halloween too!"

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:03:56 -0400

“I want to be the Joker for Halloween too!”

- Christian Bale

"That Trader Joe’s warehouse fire was no accident."

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:10:33 -0400

“That Trader Joe’s warehouse fire was no accident.”

- Osama Bin Laden

"You want to help me out? Don’t pour your grease down the god damn drain."

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:15:07 -0400

“You want to help me out? Don’t pour your grease down the god damn drain.”

- Joe the Plumber

"I can’t side with turncoat Republicans. So fuck it. I’m now Barr all the way. Don’t make no got-damn..."

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:00:29 -0400

“I can’t side with turncoat Republicans. So fuck it. I’m now Barr all the way. Don’t make no got-damn difference that the motherfucker looks like Bert from “Sesame Street.””

- Samuel L. Jackson

"Do you know how many times I had to turn down Dancing With the Stars? They’re like..."

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 10:11:24 -0400

“Do you know how many times I had to turn down Dancing With the Stars? They’re like Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

- Ringo Starr

"So what if my nose falls off? I still have my mouth!"

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:08:36 -0400

“So what if my nose falls off? I still have my mouth!”

- Amy Winehouse

"If I do win, my first kiss is going to be with an old chocolate maker in Belgium. Oh man, that is..."

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 10:32:58 -0400

“If I do win, my first kiss is going to be with an old chocolate maker in Belgium. Oh man, that is going to be sweet.”

- Barack Obama

"I thought Barack Obama was a rookie wide receiver for the Chicago Bears. Turns out he only looks..."

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:38:37 -0400

“I thought Barack Obama was a rookie wide receiver for the Chicago Bears. Turns out he only looks like a rookie wide receiver.”

- Peyton Manning